The Book

I was pondering if I should let you guys read a short excerpt of the book I’m writing. Maybe get some feedback of people who are not my friends or family lol. Not that I will stop writing if I get bad feedback, but I will certainly try to improve. So if you criticizes me, then please constructive and not just ‘You are shit’ :P. Don’t look too much on the grammar, it’s not edited yet. So here it goes.  Copyright by Kat Bee 2019. All rights reserved, please don’t copy, publish or anything without my written consent.

Chapter 1 – Fangirl Moments 

Aria

Aria stood in line at the coffee shop to get a tea. While she was waiting, she studied the back of her new book. It was a Korean cookbook. It was supposed to be good for beginners and since she had just started to learn Korean, she thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea, to also learn about the food first hand.

When she had told her friends that she wanted to learn Korean, they had made fun of her, asking why she wanted to learn an Asian language at all. It wouldn’t be useful in any kind for her work. What they didn’t knew was, that she loved to watch Korean movies and TV shows and for 3 weeks she had a little fangirl crush on the Kpop Boy Band called Trouble.

Of course, her friends would laugh at her, if they knew. It wouldn’t be appropriate for a 31-year-old to get all flustered over 7 hot and young Asian men in their 20s. When she had researched about Trouble, she found out that the oldest was 29 and he actually looked that age as well, unlike some of the other band members. But it didn’t really matter, since their talents where more important. They danced, sang and rapped like gods and she had to admit, that she wouldn’t mind to get her hands on the oldest member. To say the least, he was hot. His name was Moon-soo Park. They had dyed his hair silver and with the contrast of his almost black eyes and the chiselled facial features, he might as well just have jumped out of a fashion magazine. His hair was short at the sides and longer on top. And his skin had this very light bronze tan, which contrasted beautifully with the silver hair. A set of full lips, with a perfect cupids’ bow and almond shaped eyes that tilted up on the outside, finished the exotic sexy look.

She sighed and moved closer to the counter. When she looked up, she noticed the tall guy in front of her and had to smile at the extravagant shoes he was wearing. They were black with silver buckles. Slowly her eyes moved upwards over his long legs, that were covered in a pair of black skinny jeans. He wore a grey oversized woollen coat, whose collar was pulled up so she couldn’t see his neck. The hair was covered by a beany.

She made a step to the side and could see that his right ear was pierced and not just once, but he had 3 piercings. The little silver hoops gleamed in the strong light of the cafe. She smiled appreciative and made a tiny step forward, so that she was almost standing next to him.

Damn she could be so nosy sometimes. But there was something about this guy, that she found highly appealing. He had damn wide shoulders in that coat and his fashion sense was impressing.

Suddenly he turned his head and she was disappointed. He was wearing big sunglasses and a black face mask. Giving him a quick cheeky smile, she stepped back into the line behind him. Must be Asian, Europeans don’t wear that kind of masks.

She watched him step towards the counter and listened when he ordered a coffee and a muffin. His voice was kinda deep and it send a shiver down her spine, just like when she was listening to ASMR videos to get those relaxing tingly feelings. The girl behind the counter babbled something in a very bad English and got his order ready. When he wanted to pay, the girl tried to tell him that the paying system was out of order and that he had to pay cash. He sighed, took off his sunglasses and told her that he had no cash.

Aria felt sorry for him. He obviously wasn’t from around here, so she stepped up to the counter and said to the girl: ‘It’s ok, I’ll pay for the both of us.’

He looked at her in confusion and she smiled at the masked face and said in perfect English: ‘It’s fine, I will pay your order. I hope someone will do the same for me, if I’m in a foreign country and have no cash.’

Placing her order, she kept glancing sideways at him. Without the glasses in the way, she could see his dark eyes. There was something familiar about him, she just couldn’t say what.

He, on the other hand, just kept looking at her and mumbled a thank you. The girl placed their orders on a tablet and pushed it in Arias direction. She paid and grabbed her tea.

‘Have a nice day’, she said to him and walked toward a small table. As she sat down, she sensed someone standing near her and looked up. Apparently, the guy had followed her. He pulled down his mask and gave her the sexiest little smile.

‘May I sit with you? It’s not often a complete stranger shows such kindness to a stranger.’

She smiled at him and offered him the seat across from her. He shrugged out of his coat and put it over another chair before sitting down. He moved like a dancer she thought. All smooth and controlled gestures and suddenly she had a feeling that she knew him from somewhere. She took a sip from her tea and watched him pull off his beany and when a messy bunch of silver hair spilled out from underneath it, she almost spat out the tea. OMG it was Moon, but how? Why? She thought that Trouble was touring somewhere in the States at the moment.

‘You…you are…Moon!?!’, she stuttered. A soft smile lit up his face as he answered.

2 Comments

  1. You said you wanted constructive criticism – so, here it goes. I took your first paragraph and rewrote it. Your writing comes across as choppy and wordy. Consider this rewrite:

    While waiting in line at the coffee shop for tea, Aria studied the back of her new book, a Korean cookbook. She thought she’d familiarize herself with Korean food while at the same time improving her language skills reading a book with the beginner in mind.

    Of course, there are many ways to write the same paragraph, but a writer should avoid using superfluous words and sentences that don’t produce easy readability and flow.

    Again, consider my following example, though simplistic it may be:

    A man was walking. He then stopped walking. He turned to his right. He saw a dog crossing the field.

    Much better would be:

    The man stopped in mid-stride to see a dog crossing the field.

    ————

    Also, you didn’t really want to be corrected on your grammar, but one obvious phrase comes to my notice:

    “… to also learn” – split infinitive, putting an adverb between “to” and a verb.

    Doggedly learn as you write, Kat, not only about grammar – split infinitives, dangling participles, end-of-sentence preposition, etc. – but about style, flow, story, character development, theme, etc., and you’ll go far in improving your writing skills.

    Good luck and keep writing!

    Like

    1. Thank you. English is not my first language, I guess that explains the way I write lol. My vocabulary is not as professional and huge as the one of someone who probably studied English in university, but I certainly will try to improve there as well 🙂

      Like

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